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April 19, 2008i know i promised i won’t be a lazy blogger. but, guess what? i lied!
not on purpose though. i have written a few entries about my india and nepal trip but i haven’t had the chance to post them. i had very little to zero internet access while i was there. in india, i was working in a very rural area and there was so much power interruption in nepal it was a waste of time to even open a computer.
i thought i would be able to post them along with some photos when i arrived in manila, but no. i was like busy as hell. writing, transcribing and catching up with friends and family, of course. and just when i thought it was finished, our office computer crashed. and my traitor little flashdisk? when i tried to use it again, i was told it wasn’t formatted. or whatever. basically, it meant my life was over.
i called a friend, who is supposedly an i.t expert and i was told there was nothing i could do but cry and start over. and she reminded me to always have back-ups. i was like, yeah, i had back ups. and it crashed as well. i am now sorry for biting her head off but since i’m rarely mad, i think she has forgiven me. i hope.
so after crying and cursing everybody who tried to talk to me, i re-wrote everything (at least tried to. still in the process now) and submitted the crappiest report ever written by a person over the age of five. it was gross. even my favorite literary icon’s best poem (AMF forever! wooo!!!) is better that what i wrote. I’m sure the book reports i wrote when i was in grade school were way better than that report. and i spent 48 hours straight without sleep to write it. it was crap. believe me, i always though i was suicidal before, but after writing that crap, i just wanted to crawl to a dark place and die.
and it doesn’t help that everyday i transcribe and try to decipher notes (i can’t even read my own effing notes!) and re-write and every day i’m reminded that it sucks to be me!
i can’t believe how people can still stand being with me everyday. even my husband said i was depressing to be with nowadays. (and then assures me that he loves me still and wishes i be normal again soon. well, yeah, i wish that, too.) oh, well… i even forgot my nanay’s death anniversary. and when my sister reminded me, i was like “well, what am i supposed to say? happy anniversary?”. it was a stupid thing to say, i know. but i am stupid these days. i am only thankful that my nanay is so such a scaredy cat that even if i said something wrong,i’m positive she won’t come back to haunt me.
anyways, tried the zipline thing the other day. (it’s like they tie you to a cable and you hang there and slide to the other side of the river…something like that) just to release all the tension. my mother-in-law was mad at me for doing it. it was fun. a hundred pesos well-spent. i read it was supposed to help get rid of stress and tension. but i am still stressed and depressed as ever. maybe i should have spent a thousand and just went back and forth. my sister-in-law said it would have worked if i screamed. maybe. i’ll do that next time.
you’ll know when i will be in a better mood. and that will be the day i will post my india and nepal entries. as for now i’ll crawl back to my dark corner…
be happy everyone. i’ll try to be happy in my next post.
hello po, nice meeting you at the fud tour. be happy!
“scaredy cat!” what on earth, pom! cole hasn’t used that since she was 5! you must be more depressed than you think.:)
nanay would have been too busy laughing to even think of haunting you.
it’s so her to laugh at the weirdest things. happy anniversary. hilarious.:)
but really, what do you do or say at a time like that? i remember her all the time, anniversary or not. little things cole says or does remind me of myself when i was her age, and that would always trigger a memory of nanay. what else is there, other than remembering, with all the love and fondness that we probably never quite expressed when she was living?
actually i didn’t know what to do myself, to make that day special. i took refuge in tradition and lit a candle. but i couldn’t find any of the “clinical” little candles that we used to light on our porch on all saints’ day, so i did the next best thing and used the scented candle that’s been sitting on my coffee table since christmas. i guess the thing was just meant to sit there when i bought it but, what the heck, it was my nanay’s 10th death anniversary. i put the candle on a nice little plate so the melted stuff wouldn’t drip all over the coffee table (which would have totally freaked out my OC husband), sat in semi-darkness and watched the wick burn. and then i had one of those little one-sided conversations that i have with nanay these days. “see ‘nay? doesn’t that look really pretty?” of course she didn’t say anything (which would have been totally out of character had she been alive) but in my mind’s eye, i could have sworn i saw her smile.
so there, pom. be happy. if they can watch us from ever after, nanay’s watching for sure, smiling that smile of hers, and every so often laughing her head off as her kids (and husband) go about doing silly things that complicate their lives.:)